We feel that we cannot be ourselves because we fear rejection. The desire to fit in can cause us to conform to what we think is expected.
Back in the day, did you ever play “Truth or Dare”? It was also called “Truth or Consequences“. Originally, if you refused to tell the truth you would have to complete an embarrassing, humiliating, or terrifying dare. Somewhere down the line, it changed to a consequence if you refused to tell the truth about an embarrassing question.
I am sure a mean girl thought of these rules. Some things do not change through the generations.
Why would we choose a consequence, no matter how unpleasant, over telling the truth?
Another game we played- “Two Truths and a Lie”. The rules for this game were to tell two things that were true about you and one that was a lie. The others had to guess which of the three outrageous things you came up with about yourself was the actual lie. It let you reveal two shocking things about yourself “all in fun” with a low risk of rejection.
The funny thing is, the person with the most to “hide” usually controls these games.
We all want to BELONG, but we settle for FITTING IN.
We have forgotten how to be our real selves. We hide behind our small lies that build our walls of protection until we start to see our own lies as reality. Hurts and wounds cause us to draw conclusions and throw fuel on the lies we believe. We emotionally remember stories from our past that may have nothing to do with the facts.
Our conclusions are like bricks. Brick by brick, we construct a wall that keeps others at a safe distance to protect ourselves from emotional pain or vulnerability. It involves creating emotional distance and avoiding close relationships or intimacy with others.
This defense mechanism can be effective in protecting you from emotional pain in the short term, but it can also lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and disconnection in the long term.
And most of the time, because this wall is based on the lies we believe, we don’t even know it’s there. We FEEL it but we can’t see it.
How our UNtrue self shows up…
I FEEL LIKE “Someone Else Is Writing My Story”
This is the trap of people pleasing and the FEAR behind it is what others think of me
HOW IT SHOWS UP:
I care about others and want everyone to be happy. I am loyal and can always be counted on. I’m the first to be asked to do something. I have been called the “glue” that holds everyone and everything together.
People pleasers may lack boundaries and tend to give in to the agenda of others too easily.
Often, your feelings of overwhelm are from the constant demands and interruptions from others.
You may struggle to be authentic because you are not even sure how you feel or how to find your voice.
When asked, “tell me about yourself?” I most often answer with a role I fill in relation to how I serve someone else.
I FEEL LIKE “I just can’t seem to get a break”
This is the trap of distrust and blame-shifting and the FEAR behind it is taking risks and failing makes me seem incompetent. I can’t let anyone see the real me.
HOW IT SHOWS UP:
I tend to be careful and thorough. I like to get all of the facts and weigh all of the possibilities. Routines and predictability are my hallmarks- I can always be counted on to be the responsible one. I like control, it makes me feel safe.
Being paralyzed by analyzing can prevent you from making a decision. A tendency to isolate from others can cause stagnation. Frustration may build from failing to move ahead and resentment can arise when others move on without you. Why can’t we do things the way we have always done them?
“Courage doesn’t always roar. It may be the little voice at the end of the day that says, I’ll try again tomorrow.”
“SOMETIMES I FEEL as useless as a white crayon”
This is the trap of co-dependency and the FEAR behind it is the need to be needed.
HOW IT SHOWS UP:
I have a heart to help others and a sense of seeing their needs and how I can help them.
Always at- the -ready to step in and save the day, I thrive in crisis and drama.
This awareness can also make you overly focused on others to the exclusion of your own needs.
You are trying to make others happy, but solving others’ problems for them is not always what’s best for them.
You can give wise advice- but don’t overlook that your advice was not asked for.
Your need to be needed can cause resentment as those close to you move on, and you feel left behind and underappreciated. It’s uncomfortable for you to be alone with your thoughts.
The person that needs you the most is you.
I FEEL LIKE “I mentally live in tomorrow while only managing today. How do I compare to how and what everyone else is doing?”
This is the trap of busyness and procrastination and the FEAR behind it is the need to be perfect.
HOW IT SHOWS UP:
I am highly motivated and looking for new things to learn.
Known to others as the planner, organizer, and systems creator of “all the things”, it all looks great on the outside.
I have a high capacity to get things done, spinning lots of plates, and a “whatever it takes” attitude.
Planning is great if you actually do what you planned. Learning new things is great as long as you implement the last thing you learned before moving on.
You find yourself easily distracted by busyness and urgency as the things you put off catch up with you.
Although that task is on your perfectly-laid-out and scheduled to-do list, somehow the hours ticked by as you spent time doing something else first.
You stumbled across a new how-to video or took the bait in your email for something that would improve your productivity.
There is always something more that will make everything work better. Perfection or failure, there is nothing in between. Action is a risk so you are afraid to take the step to finish unless it’s perfect.
But, you said tomorrow yesterday.
What if we took the wall down, brick by brick, the same way we put it up? The first step in dismantling your self-sabotage wall is self-awareness. There are 5 SIMPLE questions you need to ask yourself so you can find your voice, unclutter your mind, stop the noise, and move forward with YOUR dream.